Seriously, there seems to be a huge absorbtion war going on between paper towel companies these days and I'm not really sure why. I don't need to suck up a fucking pool of liquids with one piece, and I don't need it to be tough enough for me to carry a baby across the city without ripping afterwards. Fancy designs won't help me pick up dog shit any easier. Who's sitting around testing and creating these things? Fucking scientists? Is paper towel diversity that crucial to us all?

It's really not a big deal to me if I have to use a few more paper towels to wipe my counter.

A few driving tips:

- Don't hit the breaks when you're changing lanes on the highway.

- Go at least the speed limit. Seriously.

- Don't drive like a douche if you're on your cell.

- When you have the advance turn, pay attention and go.

- Don't be stupid and don't crash into me.

Toronto Blue Jays vs Baltimore Orioles

The Jays beat the Orioles 3-2.

My nephew Eryk was born at 3:18 on July 28th 2009.

This is probably one of the funniest spelling errors I've ever read on the Internet: the person wrote "QAWINSADINCADENTLY" when trying to spell "coincidentally".

Certain allergies are the worst, and not just because of the health implication but because of what it does to your self confidence. Take for example the peanut allergy. We’re taking about something smaller than a cockroach having the potential to end your life. You couldn’t even kill me if you made a bullet out of a peanut and shot it at my forehead, but if you’re allergic you take one small bite and ugh, game over. It’s a little hard to be all manly and tough when someone can keep you at bay with a Reese’s Pieces.

If the candy companies were smart, they’d get in league with the government and get all of the child molesters to be infused with a peanut allergy. This way kids would be encouraged to walk around with peanut products and keep the sexual predators away. It’s safe and helps the economy.

Not a sexual predator.

It really annoys me when I receive a Word document that is one page, but the sender has left a 2^nd blank page. It’s really not that hard to go to the second page and delete the blank spots. It actually makes me laugh when these documents are sent from higher up in the company. It’s Microsoft Word people, it’s not that hard to figure out.

If you do this, you're quite possibly a douche.

Holy fuck, Left 4 Dead is so much fun.

I took this picture.

How can such a tiny papercut hurt so friggin' much?!

Happy Canada Day

If you work in a store or restaurant and do credit or debit card transactions, please don't bend my card to shit when swiping it. I really hate having to go to the bank and get a new one. Take it easy.

Oh and the little chip in my Visa means I enter a PIN number and don't need to sign the receipt anymore.

If you were to say “it goes without saying”, then don’t fucking say it.

I really hate people who leave me a really long voicemail, then e-mail me the same information, then call me and tell me the same information AND then come see me at my desk and come tell me the same information. Seriously, it's a huge waste of fucking time.

Speaking of voicemails, it's not an interactive thing, so don't go on about stuff that requires my responses trying to guess what I would say. If you're going to do that, just answer your own fucking question and leave me alone. All you need to do is say "Hey call me back regarding this". I don't care what time it is, I have fucking time stamp on my voicemail. And don't leave me a voicemail AND an e-mail. Do one or the other. If I haven't replied yet, I'm too fucking busy to answer or you're just a dumb ass and not worth my time and energy.

Also, your voicemail message is probably too long. Yes, yours. It's too long and it's annoying. Just say "Hi, it's , leave a message". I don't give a fuck about some long song, I know I have to leave you my name and shit, and you don't need the time of my call because this is 2009 and the fucking voicemail message system will goddamn tell you what time I called. Seriously.

In the department of the least shocking news ever, Jon and Kate have announced that they are seperating, (but of course continuing their high paying TV show).

So anyways, I came up with a few names for the show now:

Jon and Kate seper8

John and Kate altern8

Kate Plus 8 minus Jon

and my favourite: Kate plus 8 and Jon every second weekend

So forget about a 'Team Jon' or a 'Team Kate' t-shirt, I'm getting a 'Team Plus 8' shirt because those kids are gonna be fucked.

Don't play with the big boys if you can't hold the ball.

I'm trying to write a novel. I know, it's a huge undertaking and I'm not sure I'm good enough a writer to pull it off, nor do I know if I have the motivation or ideas to see a novel from beginning to end. In fact, I wrote 2 pages like a year ago and only now added one or two more. The thing is, it was really easy to get back into the story, which is what gives me hope that I may actually be able to do this.

I'm not even thinking of being published or anything like that, I have way too long of a road to go before even considering that a possibility.

Some tattoo artists just make me laugh. Don’t get me wrong, I respect the fact that it’s a cool job and it’s probably not easy. You have to be artistic, have steady hands, pay careful attention to details and all that stuff, but honestly some of these tattoo artists really think they are more important than they really are. A tattoo is a not a crucial thing to get, so stop acting like you’re surgeon and you’re saving lives. The $10 caricature guy at the circus is very artistic too but he doesn’t act like a pompous asshole.

This reminds me of tow truck drivers. Yes, I’m glad you’re there to pull my car out of the ditch and I’m glad you’re there when I get a flat. But in the end I am paying you to do shit I don’t feel like doing myself. There’s no need to trick out your little tow truck and think you’re King Shit.

And lastly: cab drivers. Hang an air freshener in your car, take a shower and learn how to fucking drive. Nobody likes you.

The elaborate ways people try to justify their own stupidity amuses me to no end.