I get the sense sometimes that my life is on a train track. There's twists and turns and different settings and people but in the end it's all preplanned, on a defined course. We're so worried about so much stuff and in the end we already know what happens: we die. I'm not trying to be morbid but it's just the reality of it. I just get the sense that whatever happens it'll all be fine and it doesn't really matter because I'm just chugging away on these "rails" and I'll end up at the same destination.

Man, I think I've been watching too much Six Feet Under.

I really don't understand what happened. It seemed like I had a pretty good idea of what usually is going on around me and was able to manage it pretty good, but I find myself more and more into these really confusing situations. I'm starting to think that I'm putting myself in these, that it is all of my own doing. We all like to think that we are pretty smart and usually make smart decisions but recently it seemed like I'm like King Midas except everything I touch turns to shit. I can't seem to convey or act in a manner that I feel really represents, well, me. I seem to have emotions that are reactive instead of smart. Everything kind of happens so fast and it all just spirals out of control. My strongest resolve just pretty much turns to dust in a manner of minutes and everything I've worked to accomplish just goes to shit.

I was thinking today about how everything always seems to work out in the end, and I was pondering the validity of that statement. Does everything really work out or is it just some motivational crap we tell ourselves to make all of the pain and suffering somehow worth it? Isn't life really a roller coaster where our good times are defined by our bad times? Or do things really work out for the best? I guess it goes back to my many theories about happiness and attaining it.

It's funny how it always seems to go back to that for me. I mean, I get it... We should stop focusing on what we don't have, we should just let go and enjoy what we do have. Yes, we all want to do that. I don't think I'm someone who doesn't want to be happy so I'm not. I really do think that I can achieve happiness, it just seems that whatever way I try to, it doesn't work. That also means that I'm not giving up on finding that happiness. Maybe I'm trying to be happier. I could do a whole laundry list of why I should be happy, but then I could do a whole laundry list of how I could be happier. Does this mean I don't appreciate what I have? Probably at times to some extent I don't appreciate, but then again if we get complacent with what we have, doesn't that deny us to possibility of gaining more? Or is it really jealousy, where we see that star, we want it now and we don't care how?

I'm realistic in the fact that I know that even if I had everything I wanted right now, it wouldn't be perfect. Would I be happier? Probably, but then again for how long? Does it matter? It's not like we can stay status quo. Even if we know in the future we won't be satisfied, we still do what we need to for the immediate fix. I wonder how many kids were born because of that train of thought.

I'm just fucking frustrated right now. I just want to be able to regain some kind of control in my life, but it seems that the more I try, the more I fuck up. I don't expect everything to happen overnight but it seems that every step I take forward, I do something to fuck it up and take two steps back.

Johnny Fontane: Oh, Godfather, I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do.
Don Corleone: [shouts] You can act like a man!
[he slaps Johnny]
Don Corleone: What's the matter with you. Is this how you turned out? A Hollywood finocchio that cries like a woman.
[Don Corleone imitates him sobbing]
Don Corleone: "What can I do?"
[cut to Tom who is laughing]
Don Corleone: "What can I do?" What is that nonsense. Ridiculous.

- The Godfather, 1972

I think it's time that I listen to the Godfather.

False hope or unreasonable expectations?

A balance of honesty and respect, really is all I ask for.

I'm to the point where instead of getting upset at bullshit I am simply just not caring.

I'm not sure being complacent to shitty situations is the way to go but when I get worked up it never amounts to anything good.

Rockstock, August 16th 2008

Every time I got to a store that sells luggage, there's always the one suitcase that's in the middle of the path. I bet it is one person who goes around, tries it out a bit and then leaves it there like a careful sprung trap. Who is this person? What is his motivation? Why doesn't he buy the damn thing?

Seriously, next time you're at Sears you'll see that lone suitcase you'll have to walk around.

You know when you have this feeling you really really REALLY shouldn't say or do something but you still go against all of your screaming internal voices and instincts and still go ahead and fuuuuuuuuucking say it?

Sometimes I look up to the heavens, wish for the clouds to part and for a giant meteorite to crash down on Earth and strike me where I stand, pulverizing me instantly and putting me out of my misery.

Je m'ennuie de Montréal. A chaque fois que je reviens d'une visite au Québec, ça me donne le gout d'y retourner.

You know, to add to my previous post, don't fucking call out my name and then when I respond ignore me completely and do something else and then call out my name again just as I go back to my work.

If I hear one more person today keep saying "what?" after I repeat something three times because they aren't paying attention, I'm likely to rip their arms off and beat them to death with them.

I find myself waiting a lot. This could be problematic for two reasons:

1) What if I keep waiting and waiting and whatever I am waiting for never comes.
2) What the fuck am I waiting for, and will I know when it finally shows up?

No alarms and no surprises, please.

"It's probably for the best" sounds more like trying to convince yourself then a true observation of the situation.

Maybe I should start following this advice.

Life really has a way of fucking with you sometimes, doesn't it?

Life isn't fair. I think we all understand this and all realize this eventually. But it makes you wonder where we got the idea that it would be, or that it should be. Maybe it's also the fact of what we consider fair. Life should be fair is a pretty broad statement. You could argue that until you're dead, life has been fair since you know, you're still alive.

I don't think our parents gave us the impression that life would be fair, meaning I don't fault them for that. Even if you have good parents, you realize pretty quickly that they had to go through some serious shit to get to where they are now.

So what makes it that we take a look back and realize that shit just happens constantly in our lives? I know as a person I always try to do what's right, what's fair, what's nice. You know, Karma and all that stuff. But does Karma really exist? If it really did, only mean people would get cancer, right? We all know that isn't the case.

Maybe it's Hollywood's fault? You know, things always seem to end up okay at the end of the movie. Divorced parents get back together, the guy gets the girl, they win the big game, they save the planet, etc... You know, Hollywood bullshit.

At what point do we set happiness and life expectations for ourselves? How do we decide that we haven't reached our full potential, that we haven't gotten to the best point in our life? Do we ever really get to that point?

I sometimes wonder if this is as good as it gets.

We pretty much have the idea in life that it goes up, you "plateau" and then it goes downhill. So when do we actually reach this so called plateau? Should we even waste time thinking about trying to find that sweet spot where life is so wonderful? What if there really isn't any sweet spot, and it's just an uphill battle until finally you're laying in bed in a smelly hospital thinking why did I waste my time trying to work my way to something that doesn't exist?

Another question we probably should ask ourselves is how do we learn to appreciate fully the things we take for granted. You can show me a million pictures of starving little kids, if they fuck up my order at McDonald's, I'll still be pissed. Does the fact that we are alway striving for something better blind us to how good we have it now?